Greetings, devoted readers. Here are your certifiably surreal Los Angeles events for the weekend of October 21-22, 2011, starring: Dia de los Muertos at Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Pancakes & Booze Downtown, “Beetlejuice” the drinking game, and the Lucent Dossier Experience. Enjoy!
Bukowski said love is a dog from hell. If so, then a true romance is like a slasher movie. Girl, you better not run up those stairs and into your bedroom; He’ll trap you up there! And every horror movie deserves a soundtrack.
Let’s face it. Valentine’s Day is for fat dudes in diapers and weeping single career ladies.
Halloween is where all the real romance happens. Chilly air. Pumpkin patches. Slutty nurse costumes. Masked strangers. Moonlit late nights. Horror movies to snuggle-up to. Vampires necking. And chocolate that’s better than what you’ll find in one of those cheap, cardboard hearts. Hey, boy. Why don’t you give me your real, beating, bloody heart, instead?
Besides, Halloween is supposed to be a little scary . . . and isn’t love? They both make your heart pound. Give you goosebumps. And they both make most of us run for the hills. Ah, yes. Love is a dog from hell chasing you in the night . . . trying to take a nice big bite outta your ass.
In honor of the most romantic holiday of the year, I’ve composed a list of my 5 all-time favorite spine-tingling, lip-biting love songs to woo you with. Don’t worry, honey. If you get scared, I’ll protect you.
Last summer, A.W.O.L. and I were meandering around the Venice Beach Boardwalk, like we do, when we came across a scene too bizarre for even Venice Beach: A bleary-eyed homeless Casanova cozied up to a plastic American Apparel siren (not played by Kim Cattrall.) Yes, I know, after writing that down it actually seems pretty normal for men in this town to cozy up to plastic things. But I’m hoping this photo is worth more than a 12 word description:
WHAM! POP! BAM! Well, almost. Check out these photos of this Hollywood Boulevard cat fight that almost broke-out between Cat Woman, Marilyn Monroe and some Dude with a camera. Oh, Hollywood. Oh, she would if she could.
Valley Girl and I spent another sleazy afternoon in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater, communing with the darkness of the Boulevard of Broken dreams. As expected, the demons never fail to deliver a little costumed chaos.
While Valley Girl was interviewing a straggly-haired Skull and Bones conspiracy theorist, I happened to catch Cat Woman and Marilyn Monroe almost get into a comic-book style brawl with some “a@#hole” who wouldn’t stop taking their picture. The ladies of Hollywood Blvd. don’t do that unless they get paid, just FYI.
Of course, the dude didn’t want to stop taking photos, so Cat Woman took out her claws and got in his face. There was a lot of meowing, hand-in-the face huffing and puffing business, until Marilyn got involved and actually struck him with her white plastic fan. Yeah, some like it hotter than others.
The cops were called, but the only consequence was my amusement.
LAMurderCop is the macabre Twitter handle of LAPD Homicide Detective Sal LaBarbera. The veteran detective is under investigation for posting photos of a grisly South L.A. gang-related murder to his Twitter account. Evidently, the blog LA Taco took offense, claiming that LaBarbera demonstrated a “callous” insensitivity towards the victim by posting photos of the crime scene.
And we thought he was just giving us something gory and bizarre to blog about for Halloween.
Detective LeBarbera sees his tweeting in a different light. With currently over 4,000 followers, LaBarbera hopes that he can bring more public awareness to the violent crime that still plagues South Los Angeles.
In a tweet, he explained himself in less than 25 words: “(D)id you ever think 1 pic would get such attention? If I did I would have done sooner. Stop the violence.”
And he’s referring to this kind of violence:
Venture down the rabbit hole with Shanon, Valley Girl and special guests Mr. Now the brooding blogger and Matty “B” Heintz from Los Angeles-based blues band, The Downtown Train. Injected with a jolt of testosterone not commonly found in most Surreal L.A. podcasts, the conversation meanders around subjects like seedy Hollywood strip clubs, tranny hookers and why Courtney Love is such a trainwreck. Buckle up, folks, this will be a bumpy ride.
Also – check out The Downtown Train at Harvard & Stone in Hollywood every Tuesday night during the month of October!
A couple of weeks ago, an actor dressed as SpongeBob Squarepants was detained by the LAPD in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard for what the Police Department described as a “brief incident with two females.”
All the local news outlets, blogs and e-rags (including Surreal LA) assumed that the incident was SpongeBob’s fault. But, according to several eyewitnesses, SpongeBob was the victim.
The beautiful Fat and Magic (yes, she’s one person even though her name is big enough for two) and I attended the first night of the Ooh La L.A. Festival — a three night musical French make out session (yes, we used tongue) with the city of Los Angeles.
I won’t lie. It got sloppy as French 80s cover band Nouvelle Vague (yes, that’s French for new wave) swayed the crowd with their buxom bossa nova interpretations of what I consider to be the best alternative new wave songs of the Reagan-Era.