Bukowski said love is a dog from hell. If so, then a true romance is like a slasher movie. Girl, you better not run up those stairs and into your bedroom; He’ll trap you up there! And every horror movie deserves a soundtrack.
Let’s face it. Valentine’s Day is for fat dudes in diapers and weeping single career ladies.
Halloween is where all the real romance happens. Chilly air. Pumpkin patches. Slutty nurse costumes. Masked strangers. Moonlit late nights. Horror movies to snuggle-up to. Vampires necking. And chocolate that’s better than what you’ll find in one of those cheap, cardboard hearts. Hey, boy. Why don’t you give me your real, beating, bloody heart, instead?
Besides, Halloween is supposed to be a little scary . . . and isn’t love? They both make your heart pound. Give you goosebumps. And they both make most of us run for the hills. Ah, yes. Love is a dog from hell chasing you in the night . . . trying to take a nice big bite outta your ass.
In honor of the most romantic holiday of the year, I’ve composed a list of my 5 all-time favorite spine-tingling, lip-biting love songs to woo you with. Don’t worry, honey. If you get scared, I’ll protect you.
5. “Bang, Bang” by Nancy Sinatra
Not that kind of bang, bang, perv. She’s singing about the kind of banging that involves a gun. “My baby shot me, down,” says it all. Hasn’t that happened to all of us?
4. “#1 Crush” by Garbage
Shakespeare wrote “to die in thy lap” (if you didn’t take English Lit., he was talking about having an orgasm). There is a little death in every romance. That’s why Shirley Manson “would die for you.” This may be a stalker song, but it’s a stalker song you know you wanna make-out to.
3. “Love’s Secret Domain” by Coil / “I Put a Spell on You” (Marilyn Manson Version)
I couldn’t choose between these two geek-loving gothic-industrial heart twisters.
Love is a fun house at a carnival. It’s a William Blake poem. It’s a candy-colored clown. In dreams, Coil sings “Pure evil is when flowers sing. My heart, my heart is a rose.” And “O, Rose thou art sick!”
It doesn’t hurt that this wicked video mash-up includes clips from horror cult classics, such as The Hunger, Near Dark, Salem’s Lot and The Liar of the White Worm.
Halloween wouldn’t be right without a little black magic. If you can’t have your object of affection, throw some snakes, snails and puppy dog tails in your cauldron and cast a spell. The dark desperation of unrequited passion is palpable — and quite seductive.
2. “Where the Wild Roses Grow” by Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue / “Henry Lee” by Nick Cave and P.J. Harvey
One of the most romantic things anyone has ever said to me is: You make men dream of murder. Maybe that’s why I have such a soft spot for Nick Cave and the Bad Seed’s album “The Murder Ballads.” Both of his duets “Where the Wild Wild Roses Grow” and “Henry Lee” tied for 2nd place, because, in Cave’s world, no one gets out of love alive.
Great song about first love. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy takes girl’s virginity. Boy takes girl down by the river, shows her some flowers and bashes her skull in with a rock. Yeah, that’s about right.
If he doesn’t want you, then kill him. Not only does this siren stab Henry Lee and throw him down a well, but it looks like P.J. Harvey is actually breaking Nick’s heart in this tender and candid music video. You can actually see the angst-ridden love between them from their real-life tryst.
1. “Black No. 1(Little Miss-Scare-All” by Type O Negative
I listen to this song every Halloween. No one actually dies, but Peetah sings, “Loving you is like loving the dead.” That’s hardcore, man. I dunno who’s creepier: Peter Steele? Or the super goth girlfriend he’s describing in this 90s goth-rock ballad, complete with Addams’ Family theme song sample.
All I have to say is: “Happy Halloween, Baby.”